In The Force of Fidelity , the philosopher Alain Etchegoyen praises the one he calls a "new idea". The opportunity to investigate this rising value, chosen and no longer imposed by morality.
"Monogamy is like stopping the cigarette: one day after another, without thinking of tomorrow, with the pride of being stronger than temptation." Bertrand, 46, is a former smoker.
And a former fickle. He lives today with Caroline, his third wife, for four years. "I have never been faithful to the first two, they knew it more or less." My sexual incarceration has never been the real cause, acknowledged, of But today, I know they have undermined my previous couples.With Caroline, very demanding on the issue, I agreed to try to 100% commitment.And for now, to my great Surprisingly, it suits me very well. "
The fed up of excesses
Réac, Bertrand? In the air of the time in any case. The soap opera of your summer "people"? Isabelle Adjani breaks publicly with Jean-Michel Jarre because of adulterous affair. One of the successes of the film season? They married and had many children (Yvan Attal, with Yvan Attal and Charlotte Gainsbourg, August 2004), in which the character of Yvan Attal cheats on his wife with so much remorse that the we think it better to be faithful! The philosophical essay that goes up? The Force of Faithfulness in an Unfaithful World , in which Alain Etchegoyen says loud and clear: "While everyone is carried away by time, his progress and his accelerations, the faithful man and woman hold the blow, resist ".
Strange change of situation: at the time when the priest was leading our lives, where the social order locked us in little ready-made boxes, where fidelity rhymed with eternity, the sexual vagrancy was the mark of the rebels to the moral order. Today, zapping is everywhere. Better, it is valued, at the risk of causing a feeling of vertigo. For the psychotherapist Paule Salomon, "fidelity is a bulwark that protects us from ourselves, our overflows, difficult to control and therefore potentially devastating.Some build a fidelity that tries to meet the fears related to a childhood injury." others live passionate loyalties, relationships of body, mind, or soul that feed enough that renunciation is not experienced as frustration. "
" I have never been an advocate of fidelity in principle says Emilie, age 32. For me, you could love two people at the same time, my first companion was on the same page.We were wrong, we talked about it, sometimes we even played it. And then, one day, I felt threatened by one of his conquests. I became jealous. I went into suffering. In my new couple, I am faithful because I consider it an ideal of life that is well worth another. With the previous, I lived a teenage love, who wants everything, right away. There, I am in an adult relationship. There are choices to make and I assume them. And I find it rewarding. "
Give yourself time
Fidelity as victory of narcissism? Why not, answers the therapist of couple Gérard Leleu:" To make the choice of the sentimental and sexual exclusivity for his partner, it is to prove to him that he is preferred to all the others, that the feelings he inspires you are superior to others, in short that he is unique. If fidelity is reciprocal, it means that you too are unique. And it's amazing how good it is, right? "
Beyond the satisfaction, of which Alain Etchegoyen also speaks, of being a" resistant ", many of these new converts admit that being faithful to the other is very similar to being true to oneself.For Serge Chaumier, sociologist, "adultery has become unbearable because it represents a betrayal of oneself. Not only is the initial ideal undermined, but the self-image and especially the type of relationship established with his partner suffer. "
" Until the age of 39, I did not never been faithful to my companions, summarizes Jean-Marc, 48 years old. Each brought me a little bit of something that filled gaps that I was careful not to explore. And I think I gave them little bits of me. We were in fragmented relationships. Today, what has changed with my wife is that she fills me. And when there is a lack - which is, let's face it, most often sexual in my opinion - I am patient. Because today, I give myself time. "
For Gerard Leleu, this time given to the other and to oneself is essential:" It sometimes takes several years to adjust, especially on the sexual plan. If, in the name of self-fulfillment, we will immediately satisfy our desires on the outside, palliate the smallest dissatisfaction in other arms, the couple slowly loses its importance. "