What do you say to the psys?
Fabien Éon: Many of them have an unfortunate tendency to pinpoint "pathological" behaviors, to describe as "toxic" relationships that are sometimes simply lacking benchmarks, to designate torturers and victims. when everyone is responsible for the relationship. In business, this has dramatic effects: we track down the narcissistic pervert when, what is missing, it is a rational approach - what mediation brings - or more solidarity. How can we hope to improve social dialogue if we are convinced that the other person needs to be cared for or that his function makes him someone who is malicious? Deciding to trust is to decide not to prejudge the other.
To trust is not easy when one has already been betrayed ...
Fabien Éon: You are right, it is not easy. The mistake is to trust what we feel at first sight for the other - an attraction or mistrust - without trying to go further. It is not a question of mistrusting our feelings, but of sifting them through reason - what exactly do I feel? Why? - to take the measure of our projections: the other reminds me of someone but it is not him, dig a little. Trust requires to risk oneself in the relationship: to put one's prejudices to the test, to go to meet the other. I give you a recent anecdote, representative of what happens too often in case of conflict: in the school of my son, a parent of a student shocked by a statement of a teacher chose to send a direct mail to the academic inspection. Why not try to meet him to solve the problem through dialogue? There is cowardice in this form of action, confused with bravery.
To trust the other one, therefore, presupposes having self-confidence?
Fabien Éon: Yes and no. Yes, because you have to be autonomous enough to create bonds of trust: not wanting to own the other, not wanting to conform to our expectations, accept that it can change. Because, then, it would not be confidence but dependence. And no, because the causal links between self-confidence and trust in the other resemble the story of the egg and the hen: one engenders the other and vice versa. If I learn to trust the other - recognizing that he, like most people, has good intentions, that his views, like mine, are legitimate, but happen to him, just like me, being awkward inadvertently, ignorantly, rather than maliciously - so I can also more easily assert who I am and what I want. Rather than fading behind his desires, I have the opportunity to open my projects and ask for his help.And together we become more efficient and can share the joy of our achievements.