Wanting to spend all your time with your partner is synonymous with balance for some people, even when you have seduced yourself at work. For others it is absolutely inconceivable to have the same activity as his / her partner and have it on the back all day. Everyone has their way of seeing happiness and when all goes well we must respect this decision. On the other hand, when it involves only tensions and arguments in the couple, one must know how to question one's decision. Everyone can be wrong and the most important thing is to draw the necessary conclusions.
In the testimony of the day, a woman explains that "working with my spouse was the worst decision of my life". Indeed, in founding a business with her husband the consequences were terrible for the couple since they broke up following catastrophic results for society and other blows of fate.
To learn more about his story and my analysis, I suggest you read the article to the end because there are sacred twists!
I wanted to work with my spouse, it went wrong ...
I will try to make you a little story of my great story!
I became pregnant at the age of 17 and my husband was 19 years old, it was 1982. We lived with our parents each. At that moment, I really had a great thought to be sure of my choice if I keep the baby or not. He was ready to take responsibility and stay in an apartment. At that moment, he came to talk to me and my decision was to go ahead and stay positive for everything to work. At that moment I gave myself and everything made 300% and I loved it deeply. But as soon as we did not agree or the budget was not right, he questioned our couple. I remained positive by motivating him in every way so he did not pick up at the slightest snap.
It must be said that Jeff * had great aspiration as a day to be a millionaire. I was more down to earth and just wanted to be happy with my beautiful little family. In 2002, we opened an interior design company because our daughter took a course in this field. I already had a job in the field of accounting. But, I always had trouble working for others. It was an opportunity to be on our own. I worked hard, worked the days and made plans for interior design, renovations at my clients' house with my spouse and my daughter, accounting for the company at night, and I also worked in parallel for the other company. I kept pace until 2005 and it was not easy but I felt that we were building something strong even though work with her husband Is not pink every day is still a privilege when everything goes well.
Then, Jeff reminded me of our dream that we were talking about regularly that was to buy a land and build a beautiful house with our small stable for our horses. But he wanted to leave our home area to go to the Eastern Townships (I live on the border between Canada and the US) and I was scared, I was insecure to leave. But he reassured me and I then told him "you're right, we're going there".
I then found a house for rent at the moment in the Eastern Townships. We moved and the our main couple problem occured. I had to leave my job because it was too far for me to travel. I devoted myself to 300% in the company. I thought if I put as much energy in my company as I put for an employer, it can only work. In the meantime, the owner offered to buy the house we rented. It was our business. We bought it and lived for 5 years. We renovated it. In the meantime we bought a land that was really cheap. But a big deal of trouble was settled on this land that we did not know at the time of purchase. This created a lot of tension in our relationship.
But I continued to be positive and say we would get through. I had a lot of trouble finding contracts and Jeff who is an electrician too. By force majeure, I was looking for a job and he too. I could not find another job and he had to go to work clearing the fields. Then he was forced to go to the North to work. I continued to strive for our business to work. It really hurt me that my man had to do it all. But if I had found a job no matter what, I would have done it too. Work with my spouse was a dream but it was not easy.
In the meantime my daughter left the company we had founded. I found myself alone doing the different jobs.In 2010, we decided that I would take a course as General Contractor Renovator in order that Jeff does not work as hard. Because he has chronic back pain since I know him. I did my course and managed to get my license fiercely, and we sold our house out of a contract or I got sued by a subcontractor and we owed him a lot of money.
Then we rented another house for 1 1/2 years before we found another house to buy. During this time I struggled with justice for the land we had bought. I also had to struggle with small claims with clients who did not want to pay.
In November 2012 we found the place of our dreams. A pretty farmhouse, with a house, a rent and a magnificent stable of 4 boxes. It was perfect just enough to continue working in construction. We did some major work. We started with the good so we could rent it and have income quickly, then the stable to be able to have boarders quickly, we remade the fences of the whole grazing in 2014, we had a big construction contract in the month of January until March. Jeff told his employer that for now he could not work for him anymore, but for our company. We built an outdoor ring that costs a lot of money. But at the same time we had big glitch, sewer backups in the house. We had to pay to dig and fix everything. We have notified the seller so we are with lawyers in this case. We also had a septic field problem. We had to hire specialized firms to have expertise files. It cost a lot of money that was not planned.
During the summer I had a major sprain on one foot and one shoulder. I could not walk even on crutches. I was in a wheelchair. So, I could not do much, neither work nor contract. Meanwhile I was telling my husband we must pay attention to our money because everything too fast. But he always told me you need what you need. He always wanted to hire people to work in the field and so on. I told him to be careful, there is not much left. But he told me he must do it. It must be beautiful, we are a design company. He did not understand and I wanted him to be happy with all these things. I always wanted to show him the numbers but he never wanted to see them and always told me I trust you. But I could not stand to have it all on my back. In October, I told him honey it's not going at all we're losing money. It is necessary to tighten the belt and in addition no contract entered.
I did not know how much more interesting submission but I did not get anything. I always hoped that a good contract would come out. But no, nothing came. When I told him that, he suddenly realized how bad it was and he was fooling around and it was like saying he did not understand why I did not get it saw coming and why I had not tried to find me another job. I explained to him that I still had hope that a contract would come out since I never stop making submissions. I was still limping at that time. In November, I put myself intensely on job searches, without success. At the end of November, I went to my daughter's house and Sylvain did not want to come. I had a presentiment that if I left him at home he was to make a fatal gesture to his life. I phoned one of our friends we only know for 1 year and this person agreed to spend the weekend with Jeff. I had a good feeling. He told me he would, he was ready to end his life because he did not see the end of the tunnel. But after this episode, he started working again in electricity.
But he is angry at me and still does not understand why financially we are there. He is devastated by telling me that we are going to lose the farmhouse, the cars, and so on. I told him that the cars I did not care we are going to sell them to take off debts and have two old cars for me it does not matter but we were able to keep the farmhouse because it is paid with the tenant and the residents. I will find myself a job and we will close the company. Working with your spouse can create tension unsuspected. This famous company that I founded at the beginning for my daughter and became a contractor for my spouse in the hope that he works less physically.
From November until mid-March 2015, he made me feel guilty and made his indifferent with me. He told me go hot dog or go housework, but does something.I think he suddenly became with very short memory on all that I realized for him, for our daughter and for our couple. He told me that he did not want to know anything about our company, neither did I, since it broke our relationship. But I was in gear to get new contracts. In addition it is not easy to find a job.
Employers do not want to hire me. They are scared because of my recent accident. In mid-March, when the same person who came to spend the weekend with him was there, Jeff decides to tell me that he is leaving me, that it's over, we are now because of all the debts . I made every effort to make everything work out. But, the reason he gives me is not money, he told me that we would never have to live together and that it was because we had been forced to take our responsibility at a very young age.
He tells his family that he should have left me at least 15 or 20 years ago. Everyone knew those intentions except me. So I tried to make everything work out when his decision was irreversible and everyone knew it. I'm devastated to know that. We have been a couple for 32 years and with a lot of hardships all these years. So since that moment, I tried everything to get him back on his decision. But it's really wasted. I gave my guts completely in my relationship. I do not understand why he did not leave me before. He made us buy the farmhouse, the cars, I took contractor lessons for him. I would never have done that if I had known. We would not be in shit like that. I just cried my life in full. I have to sell everything including the farmhouse. He is not the one who deals with all that. He is illiterate. I really do everything that is management through meals, cleaning, train for horses, take care of the land, the field of purification etc. I have very broad on the shoulders. Open a business with my spouse was not successful for me.
I never removed a hair on the head of my husband he worked very hard but all of a sudden he totally forgets how I worked too hard. He tells me incredible wickedness. I do not really recognize it. I have the impression that the two people we have known for only 1 year have a very bad influence on Sylvain since these two guys are separated people and frustrated women. I did not realize it right away. We had great parties with them and I trusted them. I gave them nice meals, they slept with us several times, etc. It was fun but today I realize their true face. So now I feel so bad. They had as project to build a micro house, to live there the summer and to buy an old catamaran and to renovate it to live in the south winter and rent it when they are in their micro house . Jeff suddenly decided to no longer be luxurious. He wants to build his micro house, no longer have a dryer, no more television and live more outside on the ground than inside. He wants to buy an old catamaran.
I do not really recognize him because he did not even want me to have a clothesline because he thought it was ugly. I wanted to remove the cable and pay channels and have only basic TV and he did not want to. I only wanted to buy an ordinary pickup truck to pull a construction trailer but he wanted the big pick up. I had a small economical car to pay but wanted a Mercedes that seemed better for the company. I wanted to wait to dye all the fences that could have been done by ourselves in a short time but he wanted to finish everything right away etc.
The judgment of the two friends, put me all on the back, since it was me who held the finances. It should be noted that I am not an accountant and my ex husband knew it. I think these people have had a very bad influence. But now I'm very insecure, it's crazy. I do not know where to go. I lose all my bearings. I never lived alone. I always made the decisions for both of us since it was he who gave everything to do. In the end, I almost believe he was exploiting all my abilities.
It was he who gave me wings and who encouraged me in the company. I did it really for him and at the same time it gave me value. But now the opposite is happening. It's terrible. I do not think it can work out. My heart is shattered and one-year-old friends think I'm lazy and so on. No one speaks to me, they are all on the side of Jeff without knowing our whole life. It's hard to know how to judge when he does not really know anything about all the joint efforts we've made, whether it's him or me.
Thank you for reading me and maybe to tell me something that will give me gas to continue and try to get out and rebuild my couple.
Working as a couple can create tension
Even if you do not always realize it, the balance of the life of a couple is always fragile and nothing can stop the machine. Work with your partner It can therefore accentuate the risks that exist especially when the society created by the spouses is experiencing significant difficulties.
In life you have to take some risk otherwise it may seem too monotonous and that's what you and Jeff did. But starting a business is an obstacle course, and even more so during this time of crisis affecting all sectors of the economy. You were very brave all the more so because it was before the dream of your daughter.
Only things did not go as planned due to circumstances beyond your control. The fact of working a lot is not necessarily a guarantee of success especially when hazards come to question everything, as was the case for you. It is impossible to think of everything and to foresee everything. This is the reason why you have to balance things out when you work with your spouse. I realize that it is not simple but it is essential and to avoid falling into the trap, it is imperative to take time and not to talk about work once the threshold of the house crossed. . Must therefore communicate in the couple but on other subjects than the job. The ideal is even to do activities after work day with his half to forget the hassle of everyday life. For this, nothing better than sport.
The fact that your man is illiterate has had several consequences. First of all, he fully relied on you and suddenly you had all the pressure because it was you who had to make the strategic decisions. But that's not all. You also had to deal with the worries with the bad payers, the legal problems and the finances. He was resting on you but you? On anyone and it's a lot of pressure on the shoulders.
The fact that your partner ignores the intricacies of accounting or even the simplest principles between expenses and recipes, as anyone who goes shopping has caused a gap between you. More than your management, because you did for the best it seems, it is his inability to master the figures that are at the origin of your "bankruptcy", which is also not one since your investment has proven profitable in the sense that the different leases pay the loan maturities.
To get out of the accounting and financial field, which is not my specialty, I would like to come back to the couple aspect which, on the other hand, is my field!
Jeff, your ex-mate or ex-husband, has gone through a really difficult time with the announcement of the company's likely closure, as he still failed end his life because of bankruptcy. It should be known that sometimes couples decide to act dramatically as this article recalls.
This shows that he is probably in a form of depression, especially since you recognize that he has changed enormously and that he now has other dreams, which strangely resemble those of his new friends. In fact, Jeff is probably trying to rebuild slowly because the whole story has left a tremendous mark on him psychologically. You have to know how to take a step back because it will be difficult to engage in dialogue in the coming weeks. But if you manage to communicate with him, you will be able to prove to him that each one of you is wrong in what happened. You for not being able to impose on you and him for not knowing how to listen when you tried to explain things to him. We must not forget that when we has an activity with his partneryou have to be on the same wavelength otherwise the slightest incomprehension can create tensions.
Counselor for couples working together
* To preserve the anonymity of the person who wrote this testimony, the first name has been changed.